checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
All I remember is this kid kept saying that he has a dream that white kids and black kids can take shots together as one, and just we'd keep drinking to that.
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
5 am booty call not ok. The fact I actually went over definitely not ok. My vag needs to learn some control.
Randomize