alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
He was doing dishes, naked. I dropped to my knees and gave him head. Teamwork level- pro..
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
my gynecologist gave me a high 5 for not getting any STD's since my last visit and said "Way to go Annabeth!" you have twenty seconds to get to my level
Randomize
