He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
no one could get around him on the stairs cause he surrounded himself with all the empties he could find, he said he was building a fort. then he passed out on them.
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
Because making bad decisions is what makes our house great and I don't plan on changing that anytime soon.
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
What. The. Fuck.
You'll have to be more specific. I do a lot of "what the fuck" kind of stuff
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Randomize