All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
i cant remember past the part when we filled his tub with skittles.
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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