i came on her dog
nothing like a tattoo of a large eagle attacking a small eagle whos attacking a shark to bond to siblings together for life
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
We have had more Sex in the past 48 hours then we have in the past 3 months. I think it was from me dressing up as Darth Vader.
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
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