I didn't shave. On purpose
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
THIS IS A FLATMATE WARNING! The white powder next to sink is washing powder I spilled and is not meant for human comsumption. I repeat- do not digest, snort or smoke the white powder next to the sink!!!!
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
he fucked me while wearing his "Reagan Bush '84" tank and my inner democrat has never been more disappointed
Why did my mother make you get naked?
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
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