i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
I wish there was some sort of "recently added" function for blackberrys so i could see what random numbers i got from the night before
This show inspires me to have sex in space
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
I think its pretty common. 1 out of every 4 people probably have a stripper's phone # in their phone.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
Randomize
