Okay, I have a threesome with foreigners and suddenly I'm a man-whore
we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
The pride tent is doing free lube tastings. There is also a mechanical bull.
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
you walked onto the street in the middle of the 10K in your thong. it was a whole new kind of expirience.
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Randomize
