I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
hell no. i was not wasting my two tears of virginity on him.
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
Randomize