oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
Yes, I fucked her, no she wasn't that loose, yes she caused more drama than a 14 year old girl
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
you don't understand, he speaks spanish and is tall. i have to do him.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
he told me while inside me and mid thrust that he's dreamed of that moment since high school... awkward
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
Randomize
