Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
I'm horny too so maybe we will both recap our regrets on Sunday
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
who is the naked dude on the coffee table
thats jeff, jeff is nice so don't be rude
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
Randomize