Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
I just saw a license plate that said "Guidete" at college. This proves the world is officially ending in 2012
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
wait can you just look around please? that was my favorite bra and i've already asked like 3 other guys
just heard a tri-delta girl talking about her drunken escapades last weekend...it's like the exact plotline to a hardcore porno.
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
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