im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
dude can you explain to me why i woke up on your sisters floor with moutain dew and chips everywhere
i dont know im at your house.
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
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