he just referred to himself as the billy mays of his frat.. heres how to order
you would pick up someone in the library
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
They wear helmets and mouth pieces when they drink...u down?
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Randomize
