I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
Are you still giving blowjobs?
Who is this?
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
Your stories are the best. I feel like you're a spy among the heteros. It's not fair.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
I've never seen a dude bust out of his jacket and rock an air banjo like u
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
Randomize
