I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
I kindof just wanted to go downstairs and let his dad know how good his son was at sex
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
So...#1 on my TO DO list for college is to fuck someone somewhere in the stadium during the homecoming game...you down?
Randomize
