someone threw a dead crab at me
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
