Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
just graduated on the spot on the quad where I vommed freshman year. full circle
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
He invited to drink but spelled forties wrong so no thx
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
Randomize
