Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
Being the hot sister definately has advantages, I'm pretty sure I ruined her engagement
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
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