he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
he has been on a 2 week bender, has been homeless for a week and a half, and leaves for madagascar in 2 days. Do we worry or is that normal?
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
