I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
Amen.
No I remember falling down the stairs I just don't remember it hurting.
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
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