Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
You're perfectly engineered for doggy style
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
Getting stoned and sitting front row in a legal class.. Not my best idea
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
Gez, you make a couple noises and all of the sudden your the loud girl.
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
Randomize
