Her body is shaped like a coke bottle...a two liter coke bottle
So I had sex with him again. He's still got it. Not chlamydia, he got rid of that.
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
The polaroid of me taking a test-tube of Jegar out of the gay guys mouth pretty much explains my trip to Spain.
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
Bro. I traded my coat. I have a Raiders coat now.
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
Randomize
