The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
ARE YOU THINKING VAGINA THEMED RESTAURANT
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
i doubt you are even in possession of a crowbar.
I suggest you not find out the hard way
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
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