no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
Watching boy meets world, drinking left over pink panty droppers and coloring in a my little pony coloring book. This is my Monday night
Lesson learned. Don't roleplay with a real knife.
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
Randomize