I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
You know those ponds where you go and pay $5 and your guarranteed to catch a fish thats how i describe her
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
Passed out for 3 hrs til now to wake up naked on my bed covered with grass from drunk slip and slide I would call that success
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
Just saw a crackhead get taken down by pd in the canal. Its offically spring
you had me at cake vodka
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
Randomize
