We walked into the bar in The Flying V formation from The Mighty Ducks. We were ready.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
You can identity the picture as me the mistress his wife and him. It's that kinda awkard.
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
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