hahahahahahhahahahaha. 26, Dominican, has a funny accent, thinks I'm hot. Tots boning.
You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
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