He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
no, i'm not a lesbian.. i just really want to fuck you while drinking, thats normal in a friendship.
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
Oh well shit happens. This is my not worried face. This is also my still decently drunk face.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
Is it bad that I see a party full of girls I know he has fucked as a challenge for me to be the one who ends up in his bed?
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
DR UNK TOWN USA
TEAM USA GO AMERICA
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
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