when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
I'll give you some choices for what to get me for Christmas. 1.You naked. 2.You naked 3.You naked.
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Randomize
