I sk at the spereo and my dad gave me and all access pass
what???
AN ALL ACCESS PASSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
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