i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
Gordon Ramsey's restaurant in NY is $150 each for the chef's menu
So you're taking me there this weekend?
oh, looks like he just opened a new restaurant right by us- it's called "McDonald's". Must be scottish food.
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
he is allergic to cats. we can only glue dog hair on him. otherwise he might die and i dont want to be responsible for that.
ahaha ok
let's call it "werewolfing"
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Randomize
