My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
This sounds like "Sober" Ericka. Sorry that message wasn't for you. I only do business with "Fell off the wagon" Ericka. Please pass that message along to her.
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
Its like they don't get that I only talk to them before homecoming, thanksgiving, or any other time I go home. I love highschool girls.
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
sorry for any reference made toward your boobs or making you feel pregnant or incapable of peeing. make it a wonderful day.
Randomize
