were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
we were pretty classy up until the second keg
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
Keep in mind that he's 43, unemployed and living with his parents. There's really not much we could do to make his life worse.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
Randomize
