Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
judging by the mobile uploads you added of me last night, we cant keep living this way.
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
Randomize
