I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
yeah...it smells like an asshole would smell if someone ate sewage.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
He had in his status he loved beating off and tagged his wife. another reason facebook should be for college.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
Hardcore start to spring break. Mike is wearing adult diapers because the only stop we are making is for gas.
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
Randomize
