somebody snuck up and got me drunk
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
Just let me suck your dick and be happy. Let me have this.
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
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