My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
I was watching porn and wanted to change the tab to another video to cum but I clicked the wrong tab and it was a gif of a dog but I was coming and couldn't do anything so did I jill off to a dog? I feel like I should be guilty
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
It isn't about the beer pong. It is about the destruction of the patriarchy.
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
Randomize
