apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
Randomize
