walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
Another day, another engagement, another cat
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
I remember 2 things. 1. Hanging through the window. 2. And she needing a bucket to puke in. That’s all. I have no other memory.
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
Randomize
