I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
so i may have indirectly taught my 13 year old campers how to give blowjobs.
honestly, i just want you to have sex with him too so that you can fully understand my appreciation of his dick as well.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
sitting in the kitchen naked and eating stirfry, random dude left my room saying thanks and gave me a bottle of wine. explain...
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
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