my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
it was worse than that time i tried giving evan head 4 days post nose job.
I'm going to rape someone's good day.
farters have to be the big spoon...
Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
Just so you know.. I just graduated college with your name still written on my chest
If that doesn't scream bromance I dont know what does
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
Randomize
