It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
Sobered up midsex and just went with it. After he tried cuddling and I awkwardly rolled out of the bed to find someone on the floor, apparently it was his room so he got to listen.
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
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