hotel room ftw
You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
you are going to have to live with the consequences, i'm going to fuck your sister
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
Oh, and apparently I was butt ass naked and walked into the room where anna was skyping her dude in afghanistan and said "This is happening."
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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