just saw ex-bf. should he be more embarrassed to be a college dropout working at rite aid or should i be because i was buying newports and rembrant?
tie
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
And the cops told us we were all naked.
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
Randomize
