he was humming party in the usa while we were having sex.
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
Randomize
