so I have this game called 14 beers left. and we both have to drink 7 before we leave
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
Well my parents know I get medical Cannabis they saw me on the news at the dispensary
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
Randomize
