My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
i was thoroughly upset that he did not want to be my number 16, who passes that number up?
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
I am one with the molecules
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
I'd say I was is in rare form last night but it's becoming pretty common.
Randomize
