and by charming I mean he has a horse cock.
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
porn backed up onto portable hard disk, laptop charged, battery backup in place, two cases beer, handle of vodka, poptarts and beef jerky --- bring it sandy.
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
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