My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.
Fuhga
Thank you.
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
Randomize
