i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
Randomize
