There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
My ATM looks so different sober.
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
Well statistically J has a 1 in 3 chance of hospitalization when downtown
And a 3 for 3 for disapeearing
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
Randomize
