I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
Should we buy the taco bell before hand? Not having taco bell on Quattro de mayo isn't a risk I'm willing to take
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
well smoking weed has become a deal breaker for me so I pretty much use "let's go smoke a blunt" as an icebreaker
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
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