I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
i have to go see a new gyno today. he's a male. i just took 3 shots of tequila. its almost like freshman year... drink alcohol, meet a strange man, let him play with my vagina.
So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
I let him watch sportscenter while we fucked. How did he repay me? I'm now missing class to get a shot in the ass for the clap. You and I are getting wasted and keying someone's car this weekend.
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
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