I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
why is it that everyone in pennsylvannia gets fucking prego??
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
This is my gift to your gina
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
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