listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
Did you pee in the oven last night??
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
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