nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
Randomize
