so i realized that everyone figured out i was a slut before i did. then i realized that no one felt like telling me. sometimes i think you just keep me around for entertainment.
you're right.
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
its coolsest when we hear the beat in our water bottles. and the likghts are in his eyes now. oh holland
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
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