Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
he sent me a picture of him holding out his pinky so we could pinky promise. i have to fuck him now
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
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